Welcome & Intention Setting
"Randos Reservoir" is a brand I was gifted with for my fortieth birthday in October of 2022, and the story of the name is well worth writing at length at some point. Most likely it will be written about organically when I get to my angry [see: angry] post in this collection, since the entire brand revolves around my history of an unowned and unexpressed relationship with my anger.
But to start off, welcome! My intention with this space is to explore something specific. In 2022, in a moment of curiosity and inspiration, I created a new list in my phone and titled it Identity Index. The immediate intention of the list was to name the personality traits with which I feel the most identified, the most central to who I am, the ones I most want to be seen as.
This list evolved over the following months, and I've randomly added more and more to it. Not just the traits I want the world to see about me, but the ones I feel self-identified with or identified as that I'm less proud of, the shadow parts, the ones I feel tension around but still in relationship with, etc.
The items on it and my relationship to each is ever shifting, and there's now more than enough items on it to fill a year's worth of weekly writing, and it is by no means exhaustive.
My intention with this space is to be a place to exercise a new ritual: about once per week, I'd like to publish a long form reflection on how I relate to one identifier on the list, how that relationship has evolved, how I'd like it to evolve, or whatever else comes up when I think about it.
It sounds like a simple idea, but my hope is that through a somewhat systematic and disciplined approach to looking at each of these things, something might shift in my awareness.
Most importantly, I hope I'll uncover new knowledge of and connection to myself, and more recognition of my wholeness. With the more "positive" parts of the identity, I want to make sure to explore how overly identifying with them or wanting to be identified as them might be denying or suppressing some other real part of myself, or otherwise distorting my behavior, integrity, or self knowledge. With the shadow / less desirable parts of the identity, I hope to find my capacity to approach them with both deep inquiry and loving acceptance, in service of that wholeness.
We shall see.
I have no specific order in which I'll address things, I'll probably just start with whatever feels most alive when I look at the list each week, and maybe I'll be working on multiple items at the same time. No rules are necessary, even the once a week thing is a guideline, an intention, nothing more.
Another intention is to be in flow in this exercise. Not to overthink, not to analyze an audience, not to get caught up in revision cycles. Let what comes out come out.
Finally, I hope to move towards vulnerability, discomfort, and risk in what I write. If at some point I feel hesitance to post what I have written, then I'm probably on the right track.
Without further ado, here's the list!
Identity Index
- Intelligent
- Calm
- Agreeable
- Humble
- Put together / well dressed
- Peace maker / mediator
- Talented / Competent
- Adventurous / risk taker / storied life
- Permanent agnostic
- Rational / logical / scientific minded
- Good taste
- Responsible
- Independent
- Stepping into father / provider
- Procrastinator
- Lazy
- Depressed
- Adaptable
- PTSD haver / survivor / post-PTSD
- Honest
- Punctual
- Bad at correspondences
- Empathetic
- Superior / Arrogant / self righteous
- Angry
- Introverted
- Third culture kid / worldly
- Undisciplined
- Writer
- Creative
- Theater kid
- Punk kid
- Missionary kid
- Criminal
- Addict / pothead
- Privileged
- Virtuous / activist / ally / on the side of the little guy
- Poor kid in rich kids' school
- Christian
- Anarchist / leftist
- Heterosexual
- Queer
- Male
- White
- American
- Stuck / stagnant
- On a growth journey
- Self centered / narcissist
- Skinny
- Pale
- Technologist / programmer / nerd
- Monogamous / loyal
- Cool
- Worthless
- Inadequate
- Boring
- Hypocrite
- Flakey
- Lacking integrity
- Hopeless
- Loveable
- Attractive
- Worthy
- Socially anxious
- Skilled at deceit
- Identity agnostic
- Passive
Meta Reflection
On pressing publish: There's not that much vulnerability or risk that I'm feeling about publishing this post, especially not in the content of what I actually wrote descriptively about my intentions.
I also feel shielded from risk at this point because no one knows about this site.
The main vulnerability I feel is in specific things that are on the list, both on the positive and negative side of the identity index. I feel some fear around how certain items might be read and interpreted with so little other context.
But hit that publish button I will do, right now.